I Really should go to bed

Hello to anyone who may read this. I'm not in the most positive mood as I write, it's after midnight and I really should be in bed. ( I'm actually sitting on it) I came up to go to bed and stopped to check in the computer world of friends. I read some email then turned to blogs. What an interesting pasttime for many of you. I enjoy reading them and I do try to comment, but I'm not always the best at that one.
I shut off the computer and came to my room. I had laundry to fold which I just couldn't leave for tomorrow. After doing that I went into my bathroom and I could hear Karen saying 'Mom...this room needs some help' ( or something to that effect. You see I don't keep a very organized,tidy house....and I know it and I hate being so.I think if I lived alone my home would look very different. The problem though is that I dont live alone. What I need to learn is how others have such organized homes when they live with other people. Karen, the bathroom is clean ( or the best that I could do) By the way..this isn't a post because of you Karen...you actually were a bright part of my day!!!!

I told you that I'm not in a great mood. I hear you....'Go to bed'...but I'm having one of the times when I feel like I really fall short. I always seem to be playing catchup....I never can get everything done and have time left over. I'm also feeling like I really don't make a difference where I really want to. This may really surprise a few people but I feel somewhat of a failure in my own home and that frustrates me to no end. It's like blogging...I can do the simple parts of it but beyond that I fall short. I have a camera that can take great pictures..if I could understand it better. My list goes on forever. In my home...I've raised four wonderful children....but when I think about how I raised them...I fall short...it's amazing that they turned out as they did. I sometimes wish that I was the mother that they came to for advice. Usually if I try to give advice, they end up telling me how to do things better.

You know, I know that I'm a very blessed person. I have a huge list of gratefulness.I just don't like myself alot... here it comes....I don't like how I look, the way I dress, my household habits, my so so cooking skills, my mediocre sewing skills,my lack of willpower, my not so hot relationship skills, my ability to never get things finished, my many regrets...and on and on..

I am not suicidal, but I do have moments like this.I am overwhelmed and I think that it helps to get it off your chest. A good friend told me once that she fakes it until she makes it...I've got faking downpat!!

It's now 1 am and I have created another regret...I'll hate myself in the morning and I'll be tired all day. I just read a post from my baby Laura and wow she sounds so very happy. Thanks Laura... a mom always wants her children to be happy. I hope that Jeremy realizes that and that I expect him to always try to help you be happy.She loves him so deeply.

So do I post this miserable post...I don't want to depress others, but maybe you're having a bad one...maybe you're frustrated... well get over it...I have to..and I will. My house ( and garden...did I mention that!!!) may not get much better ( but my bathroom is !!!!) and I will not change overnight, or maybe never...but that's life and you can wallow in the ruts along the road or you can just find a better way!!

I do want to tell you that I do have some positive blood in my veins...I am positive that I will regret staying up so late, but I am also positive that I have the right answers to handle nights like tonight. I count my many blessings ( yes name them one by one) and I DO acknowledge what the Lord has done. I am positively, undeniably grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the great hope that it gives me when my emotions are low. I am also deeply grateful to be a mother, no matter how short I am...watching my children become parents, and consequently becoming a grandmother has been the greatest joy. Watching my children choose to marry in the Temple of the Lord for time and all Eternity lifts me and amkes my simple life so much more meaningful.

I hope that you read to the end of my post. My pity party is over...I'm going to bed. Tomorrow ( guess this is that tomorrow) will be another opportunity to grow, to learn, to improve, and to be the best that I can be. Maybe I'll clean another bathroom.....probably not...I have two new grandbabies to go and adore!!!

One last note...the picture is not supposed to be at the beginning of my post...I just couldn't figure out how to put it where I wanted it...but its a favorite picture....and full of my many blessings..and we add Emmy and Finley to them!!! Good night.